Sep 12, 2010
Modern manners
The world of new media blurs the line between what is rude and what is acceptable
Nicholas Yong and Huang Huifen
Civil servant Mohamed Rafi, 28, attended a wedding last month with a twist - the bridegroom was updating Facebook throughout the whole-day affair.
'I check my Facebook quite often, so I saw his status updates. It was a blow-by-blow account of the wedding, things like when he was making his costume change and how he was feeling throughout,' says Mr Rafi.
Further from home, Manchester United and England footballer Wayne Rooney, 24, told his wife Coleen that details of his affair with a call girl would be surfacing in the press - via a text message.
Welcome to the strange new world of social networking, smart phones, instant messaging and the blurring of the boundaries between the real and the virtual, the social and the professional.
Others are simply calling it the new world of bad manners.
With the rise of the tech-savvy generation, old-fashioned notions of privacy and even shame appear to have been outstripped by the demands of online and real-time communication.
Ironically, as much as Generation Y is technologically savvy, it is not necessarily astute when it comes to business etiquette, says Mr Mark Sparrow, managing director of recruiters Kelly Services Singapore.
Shortened and abbreviated communication forms have become prevalent even in office e-mails, he adds. 'They view using 'SMS speak' as commonplace and as such, there have been instances where in e-mail correspondences, they write as they would a text message'. Some examples include 'ppl' for people, and 'cfm' for confirm. This lack of etiquette extends into the social realm as well, with everything from holiday snaps to lovers' quarrels available to all online.
PR executive Li Jiayi, 29, says: 'I know a friend who will log on to Facebook the minute he wakes up and posts, 'Good morning, Facebookers!' and a minute or so after that, 'I'm having my breakfast now'. I mean, who cares?'
Assistant Professor Michael Netzley of Singapore Management University says much of this behaviour is due to 'increased transparency and narcissism'.
'Everything we do could be on display and the web experience thus increasingly becomes more about 'me',' he says.
And while social networking websites are designed to share photos and updates, the barrier to exit is 'extremely low'.
'If I don't like the online experience I am having, I click the mouse button and immediately go to something else in the endless stream of content,' he adds. Ms Li had a similar solution for her over-informative friend - she deleted him from her friends list.
Assistant Professor Mark Cenite of Nanyang Technological University says: 'Research shows that when we are communicating with others online, where the cues we have in face-to-face interactions are absent, we tend to express ourselves in more highly charged, less restrained ways. We are often more emotional and less polite.'
Prof Netzley adds: 'This constant input from social media changes expectations.
People expect us to interact with them online in the same we interact offline. And just like in the real world, people sometimes take offence when we do not meet their expectations.'
So what are the rules governing the use of social media? For example, what is acceptable to post online and what is not? How much time should you be spending on your mobile phone or Twitter?
Prof Netzley says: 'These channels are new and people are still learning to use them in a balanced and reasonable way. It is a social learning process and takes time. We are unlikely to find hard and fast rules here.'
Writer Anton Javier, 26, admits that using his Blackberry has cost him valuable face-to-face interaction.
He says: 'Sometimes, when I am having a meal with my family, a message comes in Blackberry Messenger and I concentrate on my phone. Then my brother will go, 'hey, can you do that later, just enjoy your food first, talk to us'.'
But Prof Cenite is hopeful. 'Every new technology creates panic about a breakdown in traditional values, but we tend to adapt and develop new norms,' he says.
Do you think that people do not mind their manners as much nowadays because of social media? Write to [email protected]
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'...when we are communicating with others online, we tend to express ourselves in more highly charged, less restrained ways. We are often more emotional and less polite.'
MR MARK CENITE, assistant professor, Nanyang Technological University
Can I send an SMS just before meeting someone to say I am late?
Producer Erwin Nah, 25, waited two hours for a friend who was held up at a meeting and who kept sending him texts updating him on the progress, or lack of it.
He says: 'I don't like it when we set a time and my friend decides to change it at the last minute. I am usually very punctual, so I have to hang around and wait. People don't realise it is an issue.'Ms Yvonne Anjelina, etiquette coach at The Etiquette School Singapore, says: 'Sending an SMS to a friend you are supposed to meet to tell him of a delay or change of venue at the last minute does not count. When you are late, you are late. As long as one inconveniences another, etiquette has been thrown out the window.'
Should Facebook or Twitter be a place to:
a) Start an argument
Student Chloe Kay, 16, drew flak for her tweet criticising a celebrity's looks. An acquaintance responded curtly: 'What did she do to offend you?'
Subsequently, the acquaintance and her friends posted nasty comments about Chloe on their Twitter feeds, calling her names. 'I was hurt by their comments asking me to take a good look at the mirror before commenting on others,' she says.
Ms Agnes Koh, director of Etiquette & Image International, says: 'Everyone has a right to say what's on his mind and post anything he wants on his Facebook wall. If there is any content you do not agree with, say it in a respectful manner. Don't fight it outright.'
b) Declare your love
Project analyst Krystal Lee, 23, has no qualms about posting messages such as 'I love you' or 'I miss you' on her boyfriend's Facebook wall.
Her Facebook friends even 'like' her posts or comment on how sweet and loving they are.
She says: 'There is nothing to hide. If people don't like it, they can just not view our profile pages or hide our feeds.'
The Etiquette School's Ms Anjelina says: 'Mushy expressions of love and feelings should be kept private and not be posted on your partner's wall. The mushy declarations may cause a certain level of discomfort to those reading the post as well as your partner if he is the conservative type.
'However, simple messages of affection are acceptable and should not cause too much discomfort to anyone.'
Can I update my Facebook or Twitter or reply to an SMS or e-mail, when I am out with friends?
Software designer Muhd Khairul Hafidz, 25, used to be a Facebook addict and would log on whenever he had the chance. His girlfriend complained that he was more interested in it than her.
He deleted his account shortly after. Ms Guinevere Ho, principal consultant at Image Mastery International, says: 'When you are out with one or two friends, pay attention to them rather than update your Facebook or Twitter feed. While it is less of a guilty charge in a group of 10 people, we still advise that you pay attention.
'The reason for social media is to connect with friends, so why not make use of the chance in reality to spend time with them? It is akin to talking on your mobile phone and ignoring your friends.'
Can I break up with my partner over MSN, SMS, e-mail, Facebook or Twitter?
Writer Will Chin, 24, was ditched on MSN messenger a few years ago. He says: 'The cracks were building up and I saw it coming, but I was very shocked as it seemed out of character for her to do that. It was very cold and impersonal.'
He feels it is because people hide behind the new media as a form of defence against a violent reaction. When he bumps into his ex-girlfriend now, she still does not talk about it.
'But breaking up is such a heavy thing, you don't just text someone casually,' he says.
Ms Cecellia Telkes, associate consultant of Imageworks Asia, says: 'It is rude and shows a lack of consideration, manners and cowardice. You are better off without a person who breaks up with you over social media.'
Make a point to meet and have the guts to talk it through with the person. In the case of a long-distance relationship, use the telephone or Skype.
But Ms Koh of Etiquette & Image International says: 'If the relationship is tricky and you have evidence that your partner is two-timing you, waste no time. An SMS is enough.'
Huang Huifen
Is it appropriate to use emoticons and abbreviations in official e-mail?
Ms Yvonne Anjelina, etiquette coach at The Etiquette School Singapore, says emoticons and abbreviations should be avoided in formal situations, as they tend to have an informal and friendly feel to them.
Senior corporate communications executive Victor Yen, 30, uses emoticons in internal e-mail to set up meetings within a close circle of colleagues.
His boss also uses emoticons in e-mail on areas of improvement, which he appreciates.
'The written word can come across as harsh. Emoticons add an extra bit of cordiality to the conversation,' he says.
'I feel my boss is friendlier and encourages a response in a more positive way. It doesn't seem like we are being looked down upon.'
Is it acceptable for the boss to send you a text message late at night?
'Unless it is in your job description, leave it until the morning,' says Ms Cecellia Telkes, associate consultant of Imageworks Asia. She says the only exception is when you have been notified regarding an urgent matter beforehand and told to expect it.
A give-and-take attitude should be adopted by both parties, she adds. For example, employees should not be sending e-mail or an SMS to the boss after midnight either.
What should you do when your boss wants to befriend you on Facebook?
'My first reaction was 'is it really him?'' says civil servant K. Teong, 33, who received a friend request from his boss more than a year ago.
Realising that his boss was on a 'friend-adding spree' among his co-workers, he saw no harm in accepting the request.
Ms Anjelina says a friend request from the boss indicates a relatively amicable relationship and nonacceptance may cause unnecessary tension at work.
But she warns: 'You may be treading into dangerous waters as you would then not be able to voice your opinions and criticisms of your workplace, colleagues and especially your boss on your wall posts.'
While Mr Teong saw his boss as approachable, he was more careful with his wall postings. His wariness grew after his boss posted a strong reaction to an article that his colleague shared.
Eventually, he removed all his co-workers from his friends list. The relationship with his boss did not change as he was unaware that he had been deleted.
'We 'see' enough of each other at work every day so let's keep that little private space we have,' he adds.
Should employees be using their mobile phones during a meeting?
The answer is a firm 'no', says director of Etiquette & Image International Agnes Koh. Using mobile phones and laptops is a message that you give priority to these devices, she adds.
'You are not showing respect. If you are expecting an urgent call, you should let the person know and take the call out of sight. Keep the conversation short and resume the meeting immediately.'
Nicholas Yong
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